Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize