wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
