I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
