I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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