i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
