You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
