I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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