Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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