I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
