Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
