I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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