i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
