What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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