I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
