Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
