I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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