If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
