Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
