I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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