my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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