We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
