Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
