I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize