At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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