My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
