I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
