Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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