I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
