pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
