My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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