Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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