I didn't shave. On purpose
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
