There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
