Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
