Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
