the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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