Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm passing your future prison.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
