I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
