You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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