I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
