I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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