Me. At least after what I've been through.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
