Kiss
Puke
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
