3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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