In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
its not stalking. its research.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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