Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
