Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
