when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
