conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
