I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
