she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
