Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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