If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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