My friends, they love my intelligence
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
