but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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