u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
