I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
