listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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