I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
