hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
