Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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