ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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