There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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