I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
